Why Self-Compassion is Essential for Your Mental Health

Let’s take some time to discuss and review the invaluable virtue of self-compassion. It’s something we can all use a little more of in our day-to-day life. In this article I’d like to go over the definition of self compassion, the benefits of self compassion and how each of us can implement self compassion into our daily lives today. 

What is Self Compassion?

I like to say it’s like being your own best friend. It takes a lot of emotional strength and patience to foster the virtue of self compassion. It’s about offering the same kind of attention, kindness and forgiveness you would give to your best friend and the people you care about most in your life. When we learn to forgive, listen and take care of ourselves we can then live a more authentic life, be able to give more to ourselves, and therefore be able to give more to others. 

Benefits of Self-Compassion 

Self compassion is an antidote to perfectionism when you have a hard time accepting your imperfections and you often resort to self-criticism. Give yourself the time and generosity to step back out of your perfectionism loop and practice forgiving yourself and appreciating all that you have achieved. 

Self compassion will give you that room you need to make mistakes and will teach you how to be okay with any shortcomings you may have, or any problems you couldn’t solve to make everyone around you happy. Learning to practice self compassion can help you really value the person that you are, your true strengths and ALL the things you have already achieved. It can also help reduce anxiety and depression and increase your self worth.

How to Implement Self-Compassion Today

One thing you can do to implement self-compassion today is notice when you are having a hard time and using that time to say a kind word to yourself. Be more kind to yourself. Try to steer away from that self critical talk and practice acknowledging all that you have done up until that challenging point. For example: If you often say to yourself "I should have known better," try and replace it with something like "I made the best choice in the moment."

Remind yourself that you are doing your best and it’s okay when things don’t go exactly according to plan, or how you would have wanted it to go. You are only human and we are all only capable of achieving and controlling so much. Don’t be afraid to be kind to yourself. You deserve to forgive yourself and to be gentle and kind to yourself. It’s important that we always remember that, even during the more challenging times. 

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Connect With Bianca Hughes

Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

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Three Ways to Slow Down Overthinking

Overthinking is one of the things I see a lot of my clients struggling with. They often ask me “how to stop overthinking”?

Overthinking shows up when they’re trying to make a decision, or when they’re worrying about decisions they’re going to make or have made. They worry about the potential outcome or over the unexpected outcome, which wasn’t necessarily what they had in mind. 

A major factor when it comes to overthinking is being attached to an outcome. Your attachment to an outcome causes you to think about ways that you might be able to change the outcome, or control the outcome. The reason you are attached to the outcome is because you believe it is connected to your sense of worth, and then you tend to feel worthless or not good enough. 

In this article I’m going to break down 3 techniques that can help you manage, and maybe even overcome, overthinking. 

Three Ways to Slow Down Overthinking 

1. Take Three Deep Breaths. 

Taking deep breaths will help center yourself and give your mind the time to slow down. When you overthink you are totally in your brain and not connecting to yourself and your body. Give yourself the space and time to feel those breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. And, then allow yourself to feel that sense of calm, and reset. 

2. Ask Yourself This Question. 

This question will help you get out of that loop of overthinking. Ask yourself, what is the purpose of me overthinking? The whole idea of this question is to get you into the mode of: what am I doing here? It stops the thought process and the anxiety. It gives you the ability to be more intentional about your choices and actions. 

A lot of the time when you ask yourself questions like, where am I going? What am I trying to accomplish? It will help you realize overthinking is not going to resolve the mistake you made yesterday when you left your keys in the car, or make your friend change their mind about where you're going to go for dinner in a week. Overthinking doesn't change anything, not in the past nor in the future. 
3. What am I trying to change or control by overthinking? or what am I trying to avoid? 

Then ask yourself, what am I trying to change or control by overthinking? I use the word ‘change’ because when you overthink you’re trying to change a situation that happened in the past. But that situation already happened. Fixating about something that already happened can’t change anything, because it’s already done. And when you ask yourself the question, what am I trying to control? If we go back to the example of going to dinner with your friend, when you ask yourself this question, then you suddenly realize, what does it really matter where we eat? As long as I'm hanging out with my friend. We begin to really get into this habit of becoming aware of our intentions and thoughts. 

The last question you should then ask yourself when you find yourself overthinking is: what am I trying to avoid? Maybe you want to avoid picking a great restaurant so you don't feel embarrassed if your friend doesn't like it. Or, maybe deep down you don't want to make mistakes or experience rejection. 

Whatever it is, can it really be avoided with overthinking?

TAKEAWAY

These reflections and questions help you become more in tune with yourself. They help you see that overthinking is causing more fear and anxiety and it’s actually not taking you anywhere. It also helps you see your fears and the things you've been trying to avoid. Pausing and reflecting on the motivation behind this overthinking can help you see the fear of rejection and your attachment to outcomes that you might want to truly confront and deal with. Thankfully you have some things to think about to help you stop overthinking and to help you feel more relaxed.

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Connect With Bianca Hughes

Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

Sign up to the newsletter (I provide tips and insights on overcoming perfectionism so you can embrace your imperfections and authentically be you together with my day to experiences of discovering the beauty within the mess).

Instagram: @authenticallybeyou (I am active here the most 🙂)

LinkedIn: Bianca Hughes

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Five Ways Perfectionism Shows Up in Your Business

Perfectionism can be something that gets in the way of your business success.

Perfectionism can show up in your business through the ideas you’re believing and thinking and the actions you take, or even don’t take. If you’re not sure if perfectionism is creeping into your business, here are some cues that may indicate you may be blocked by your perfectionism. In this article we’re going to explore some real-life examples of what perfectionism in business can look and sound like. 

1. Thinking Your Business Will Have the Same Success Rate Each Day

This is what we would call an unrealistic expectation. You can’t expect the same results from one day to the next. Every day is unique and we can not control every aspect of every outcome. Some days will be harder than others, while some days will be much more successful than others. Try to reframe your business with realistic expectations so that you don’t feel disappointed when things don’t work out according to these unrealistic expectations.

2. You Won't Put Out Your Blog Posts Until You Think it’s Perfect

If you find that you’re always hesitating to put out posts on social media, send emails, or anything work-related that you may be procrastinating, then you know perfectionism is making its way into your business. 

3. Insecure About How You Price Your Services

If you feel insecure or unsure about the fees you want to charge your customers or clients, you may be dealing with perfectionism. You have the right to charge the fees you want for whatever services or products you're selling. Your time and efforts have value and only you know the true value of your work. Don’t underestimate and underrate your efforts and talents. 

4. Indecisive with Business Decisions

If you find that you’re often dealing with indecision in your business because you don’t want to make a mistake, this is a sign of perfectionism. You can be afraid of making business decisions both big and small because your fear of making a mistake is greater than your trust in yourself and your ability to make a good decision. 

5. Jumping From One Task to the Next

If you find that you’re jumping from one goal to the next without even taking the time to congratulate yourself, then you probably have a case of perfectionism. This usually stems from wanting the approval of others through your achievements, so you jump from one business goal to the next without taking any breaks or time to reflect on what you've accomplished. 

Are you ready to stop letting procrastination and unrealistic expectations mess with your money and business? If that's a resounding yes, grab your copy of my ebook You're Enough: Letting Go the Pressure to be Perfect

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Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

Sign up to the newsletter (I provide tips and insights on overcoming perfectionism so you can embrace your imperfections and authentically be you together with my day to experiences of discovering the beauty within the mess).

Instagram: @authenticallybeyou (I am active here the most 🙂)

LinkedIn: Bianca Hughes

Pinterest: @authenticallybeyou

How to Set Healthy Boundaries for Yourself and Others

The most common questions I get about setting healthy boundaries are:

1. How do I set boundaries without hurting someone else's feelings? 

2. How do I get people to respect my boundaries? 

People often express to me how frustrated they feel because others are not learning to respect their boundaries. I love giving you realistic expectations when it comes to life and especially when it comes to setting boundaries for yourself. 

So, why is it important that we set healthy boundaries for ourselves and why do we all need them? 

Boundaries are about your protection, making sure you are safe and others are safe. It’s also important to keep in mind that when we set boundaries we are going to ruffle feathers, especially if we are a people pleaser. 

If you haven't set boundaries and it's new to people, people are going to feel hurt and confused. Especially if they are an unhealthy person, you're probably going to get some push-back. We need to be open to the facts when it comes to setting boundaries. There are going to be people who will respect your boundaries and those who will question your boundaries. If you have those realistic expectations that not everyone is going to respect your boundaries, or find them easy to adjust to, then you’ll have a much more fluid experience when it comes to setting your boundaries. No one’s saying you won’t feel frustrated, but you’ll be prepared and know how to react. 

Preparing Yourself for Feelings of Guilt

When clients come to me about the need to set boundaries, I tell them it’s essential to set up a boundary plan. Here’s the thing, when it comes to a boundary plan, you're going to feel some form of guilt. You're going to worry about some people’s feelings, but you have to ask yourself what your intentions are. In life you're going to hurt people’s feelings intentionally, and unintentionally. So one of the first things it comes to when setting boundaries is knowing you might feel guilty and some people are going to feel hurt. Having that realization as a tool will really help you succeed. 

In order to prepare my clients for what’s to come, I ask them: How are you going to deal with those feelings of guilt? You’ll have to be ready to remind yourself something along the lines of: ‘Just because I’m setting boundaries doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty about that choice, that this is wrong.’ There are many emotions that come up during the experience of boundary setting, and these emotions are all a part of boundary setting. This is how you prepare yourself. 

Vocalize your Boundary and The Consequence of Overstepping that Boundary 

I also suggest that you tell yourself what the boundary is, or you tell it to another person. Write down your boundaries and what those consequences will be when others cross those boundaries. Have about 3 different consequences in order of severity for when those boundaries are crossed. That’s going to make a real change and difference in your life and in your relationships. Keep in mind there’s an exceptionally high chance you're going to feel guilty. 

For example:

Say you have someone in your life who is always calling you with what they feel is an emergency, but they are taking up too much emotional and mental space in your life, not to mention time. Let them know to call or text once and you will get back to them when you can. If they continue to call and text regardless of your boundary, remind them about your boundary, that you will get back to them in a few hours or days, and then have a conversation about your relationship.

Celebrate Your Success

Once you’ve been able to communicate that boundary with someone, or you’ve communicated that boundary with yourself, then you celebrate that win. I think it’s so important that we celebrate when we are doing hard things. You can tell your therapist, someone you’re close to, go buy yourself some chocolate or a coffee. Do what you need to do to celebrate your achievements. 

I have created a "Free Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries”. Hopefully this will be helpful to you, so you can adapt it to your needs and create and implement your own boundaries plan. 

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Connect With Bianca Hughes

Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

Sign up to the newsletter (I provide tips and insights on overcoming perfectionism so you can embrace your imperfections and authentically be you together with my day to experiences of discovering the beauty within the mess).

Instagram: @authenticallybeyou (I am active here the most 🙂)

LinkedIn: Bianca Hughes

Pinterest: @authenticallybeyou

How do you set Realistic Expectations for Yourself?

Unrealistic expectations is something I see a lot when it comes to my clients who are struggling with perfectionism. Why is that so? Well, that’s because the desire for perfection generates unrealistic expectations and striving towards ‘perfect’ is an unrealistic goal. The notion that you're meant to perform and do things perfectly all the time is not at all realistic. When you set unrealistic goals like, putting 10 items on your to-do list that you expect to be completed in one hour, and then you don’t achieve that goal, you feel overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed then leads to you feeling inadequate.

Well, you are not inadequate and you are not the problem. The problem is the unrealistic expectation you have set for yourself. You might be asking "how do you know if you have unrealistic expectations?" So, let's go ahead and identify keywords that signify unrealistic expectations. 

When you use words like:

• I have to…

• All

• I must…

• …Always…

• I need to…

These keywords are inflexible words and they’re a form of black and white thinking; So for example you may think to yourself,“I have to do everything on my to do list.” Notice the words I have to and everything. Or something like, “I have to be the one who does it all because no one does it like me.” Sound familiar? These are some of the ways we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves. 

Sometimes you have 10 items on your to-do list but only have time for three, or you underestimate the time it takes to get ready and then you’re always late. The goal you were setting wasn’t actually fair for yourself. 

So how do you manage unrealistic expectations? Well, first of all, you have to begin to recognize the words I mentioned above, the all, I have to, etc. Once you begin to notice these  words, you’ll want to start to replace these words with words like: 

• I would like to…

• I desire to… 

• I want to…

• …if possible…

These words I just mentioned give you more flexibility and won't make you feel so boxed in with your goals and expectations. You’ll wind up feeling less inadequate because you're giving yourself room to breathe and space for the ups and downs of real life. Because you know what? Life is always going to happen. Unexpected things come up, and if you can prepare for that and know you're capable when that arises it's so much easier and better for yourself. Once you start using those words (I would like to… I desire to… etc.) you will start to notice changes in how you feel about yourself and you’ll begin to feel less stressed. 

One way to avoid unrealistic expectations is to time yourself. See how long it actually takes you to get dressed, to talk on the phone, to clean your house, to complete a task with all those distractions vs without distractions. That will give you a better understanding on how to set realistic goals for yourself. By using these less confining words, and getting a clear focus on the reality of your time, then you will begin to understand and feel what it really means to set realistic goals for yourself. 

Looking for support with setting realistic goals for yourself and overcoming perfectionism? Grab a copy of my ebook "You're Enough: Letting go the Pressure to be Perfect. Created to  identify and understand perfectionism in your life, so that you can take back your life and successfully manage your thoughts.

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Follow the “It Didn’t Break Me Podcast” on your favourite podcast player

Sign up to the newsletter (I provide tips and insights on overcoming perfectionism so you can embrace your imperfections and authentically be you together with my day to experiences of discovering the beauty within the mess).

Instagram: @authenticallybeyou (I am active here the most 🙂)

LinkedIn: Bianca Hughes

Pinterest: @authenticallybeyou