The most common questions I get about setting healthy boundaries are:
How do I set boundaries without hurting someone else's feelings?
How do I get people to respect my boundaries?
People often express to me how frustrated they feel because others are not learning to respect their boundaries. I love giving you realistic expectations when it comes to life and especially when it comes to setting boundaries for yourself.
So, why is it important that we set healthy boundaries for ourselves and why do we all need them?
Boundaries are about your protection, making sure you are safe and others are safe. It’s also important to keep in mind that when we set boundaries we are going to ruffle feathers, especially if we are a people pleaser.
If you haven't set boundaries and it's new to people, people are going to feel hurt and confused. Especially if they are an unhealthy person, you're probably going to get some push-back. We need to be open to the facts when it comes to setting boundaries. There are going to be people who will respect your boundaries and those who will question your boundaries. If you have those realistic expectations that not everyone is going to respect your boundaries, or find them easy to adjust to, then you’ll have a much more fluid experience when it comes to setting your boundaries. No one’s saying you won’t feel frustrated, but you’ll be prepared and know how to react.
Preparing Yourself for Feelings of Guilt
When clients come to me about the need to set boundaries, I tell them it’s essential to set up a boundary plan. Here’s the thing, when it comes to a boundary plan, you're going to feel some form of guilt. You're going to worry about some people’s feelings, but you have to ask yourself what your intentions are. In life you're going to hurt people’s feelings intentionally, and unintentionally. So one of the first things it comes to when setting boundaries is knowing you might feel guilty and some people are going to feel hurt. Having that realization as a tool will really help you succeed.
In order to prepare my clients for what’s to come, I ask them: How are you going to deal with those feelings of guilt? You’ll have to be ready to remind yourself something along the lines of: ‘Just because I’m setting boundaries doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty about that choice, that this is wrong.’ There are many emotions that come up during the experience of boundary setting, and these emotions are all a part of boundary setting. This is how you prepare yourself.
Vocalize your Boundary and The Consequence of Overstepping that Boundary
I also suggest that you tell yourself what the boundary is, or you tell it to another person. Write down your boundaries and what those consequences will be when others cross those boundaries. Have about 3 different consequences in order of severity for when those boundaries are crossed. That’s going to make a real change and difference in your life and in your relationships. Keep in mind there’s an exceptionally high chance you're going to feel guilty.
For example:
Say you have someone in your life who is always calling you with what they feel is an emergency, but they are taking up too much emotional and mental space in your life, not to mention time. Let them know to call or text once and you will get back to them when you can. If they continue to call and text regardless of your boundary, remind them about your boundary, that you will get back to them in a few hours or days, and then have a conversation about your relationship.
Celebrate Your Success
Once you’ve been able to communicate that boundary with someone, or you’ve communicated that boundary with yourself, then you celebrate that win. I think it’s so important that we celebrate when we are doing hard things. You can tell your therapist, someone you’re close to, go buy yourself some chocolate or a coffee. Do what you need to do to celebrate your achievements.
I have created a "Free Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries”. Hopefully this will be helpful to you, so you can adapt it to your needs and create and implement your own boundaries plan.
More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy
How to Not Feel Guilty and Ashamed Because You Can Not Please Everyone All the Time
What is the Root Cause of People Pleasing?
Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast
Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie
Choosing to put Yourself First with Martha Mok
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