Perfectionism is not just about, ‘I want to be perfect’ or the need to be perfect.
There are so many different things that go into the make-up of perfectionism. My personal definition of perfectionism is: a consistent and exhausting cycle of trying to be enough. I use this definition because you are trying to get to perfection and think that if you get there, that one day all of your problems will be solved. However, when you do reach your goal what tends to happen is, you still don’t feel great or good enough, and so you keep going and going and going; chasing something you can never obtain.
There are times when you are almost at the peak of your goal and instead of being proud or satisfied you already jump to the next goal. For example, let’s say you’re trying to get your bachelor’s degree and once you’re almost there, you're already thinking about your master’s degree. Once you’re about to get your master’s degree you’re already thinking about your pHd, and so you’re never really satisfied with where you are, who you are or what you have.
The truth is, perfectionism might appear in our lives in many different ways and in many different areas. I wanted to share some signs of perfectionism with you, to help you better identify it in your life, or in someone you love. You might not relate to all of these characteristics, and they also might not be in every area of your life, but here’s what perfectionism can look like.
Signs of Perfectionism:
1. Being Critical of Yourself- you tend to say things like:
‘I feel like such a failure.’
‘I’m a loser.’
‘Why is this always happening to me? I’m no good.’
‘Something is wrong with me, I just can’t figure out why I’m so stupid.’
‘What is wrong with me?’
You’re constantly beating yourself up over who you are and the things you do, or don’t do.
An easy way to find out if you're doing that is by seeing if you would talk to your family members that way, to your children, or to someone you love. If you wouldn’t be as critical with them as you are with yourself, then you know, this might be something you’re struggling with.
2. Unrealistic Expectations - You might set a goal to clean your room and think you’ll be done in an hour, but it will really take two hours. That would be an unrealistic expectation. In everyday life it pretty much looks like your to-do list is longer than what you’re able to complete and you start feeling frustrated with yourself, because your expectations were unrealistic.
3. Procrastination - Procrastination is a part of perfectionism even if many people don't see it that way. When you’re procrastinating you are stalling on getting started because you want to get it right the first time. And if you feel you don't have everything you need at the get-go, then you procrastinate. So, say you want to write a book and then you tell yourself the mood isn't right, that you need to do more research, that the timing is wrong and so on. Then you know you’re procrastinating, afraid of not getting it right once you commit yourself to the goal.
4. Black and White Thinking- you generally oscillate between two scales, so you either have to be black or white. You either have to be dressed up for the party or you don't go at all. Your house has to be totally together and organized or it's not clean, and so on.
5. Lying - Why does one lie? When you don't want anyone to see your imperfections and you don't want to get rejected for being imperfect. So you lie, to cover up your imperfections, to appear ‘perfect.’ If you get rejected then you are disconnected and alone and this might just be your biggest fear.
6. Fear of rejection and Difficulty Apologizing - I’d rather ask for help then apologize. That’s how hard it is for me sometimes to apologize. You might have difficulty apologizing if you’re afraid of being rejected and afraid of being wrong. You're afraid that person will leave because now they know you’re imperfect, you’re admitting you have faults and that terrifies you.
7. Avoidance- You avoid people, situations, speaking up for yourself or setting boundaries because you’re afraid of being rejected. That's the ultimate fear of perfectionism, being rejected and feeling disconnected. But you’re human, you naturally want to feel accepted and connected to others. You may have experienced a deep sense of rejection in the past and you want to avoid that feeling at all costs and so you do what you can to avoid being rejected.
I hope these signs were helpful. Ready to start identify and understand perfectionism so that you can take back your life, successfully manage and put a cap on the language of not enough? Click here to grab your copy of my e-book: You’re Enough: Letting Go the Pressure to be Perfect.
More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy
Overcoming Perfectionism by Letting go of Procrastination
Overcoming the Belief I am A Failure
Three Ways to Overcome Overthinking
Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast
Breaking Free from Approval Addiction with Kimberly Valerie
Choosing to put Yourself First with Martha Mok
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