Are you someone who struggles with thoughts of “I am a failure” or “I feel like a failure”?
I cannot count how many times clients have come in expressing a sense of being a “failure” or even that their entire life is a failure. I encounter this so often I realized the necessity in differentiating between having failures and at the core believing you are a failure. It is really important to explore and identify the question of what does it actually mean to be a “failure” .
Many of the conversations in my practice and everyday life stem from the failure to meet certain goals that people set for themselves. For example:
Not being married by a certain age
Failing grades in school
Not having or making a certain amount of money
Having kids or responsibilities early in life that hindered certain dreams and goals
Feeling inadequate compared to peers from school or work
Having a pattern of failed, unhealthy, or toxic relationships
Whatever the perceived failure, the sum of them all is the pervasive feeling that you have failed so many times that you are a failure. You may begin to see your whole self as the source and embodiment of failure. It is important to make a distinction to change this falsehood. Thinking of yourself as a failure is counterproductive and more importantly it’s untrue. Let’s look at some ways to help you overcome the belief that you are a failure:
1. Make the Distinction Between “You Failed to Reach a Goal” vs “You Are a Failure” Because You Did Not Reach a Goal.
Your identity is who you are, your characteristics, and your strengths not your role which is what you do (professional, partner, friend, etc). Your identity does not go away just because you failed to meet a goal. Having goals and accomplishments are great. Goals help us to have focus in life. However, you make the goal the goal does not make you.
An example of the distinction is as follows:
I set a goal to get up at 8:00a.m. but instead I wake up at 8:30a.m. throughout the week. I failed. I missed the goal that I set for myself. Does this make me a failure? Is failure now my identity? Absolutely not! I am still a warm, responsive, caring, energetic person…who simply missed a goal.
I want you to know that missing a goal is a normal part of life. Everyone fails at something and it is a part of the journey. The most important thing is not to internalize the failure and make it your identity.
2. Focus On Big Picture Thinking And What You Are Doing
I know that you have missed goals, which sucks, but what else are you doing and achieving? Asking these questions helps you to see the bigger picture. Here’s the thing: If you keep failing, you may begin to ask yourself, “why do I feel like a failure…is there something wrong with me”? I want you know that you are not a failure and there is nothing wrong with you. However, you can consider adjusting your goal or even your outlook. It’s possible you may need to reevaluate or even ask for help. Sometimes it can be the right goal but the wrong season. Big picture thinking takes everything into account and not just a failed goal.
3. Your Characteristics Do Not Leave You Just Because You Failed a Goal
When you feel like a failure, it is beneficial for you to recognize that without your individual characteristics you wouldn’t even be making goals. Please remember failing at anything does not make you a failure! It can be an opportunity to learn or adjust but it is certainly not who you are. You still have the same characteristics; you are still worthy, you are still you.
A Helpful Tool
To help you reinforce what you just read, I encourage you to:
Think about a goal that you haven’t achieved (past or present)
Write down what characteristics and qualities you feel are needed to achieve that goal (for example: determined, focused, etc.)
This will help you to in overcoming the belief that you are a failure and embrace your value.
Tip: It is very important to actually write this down because it engages your brain.
Remember:
You are not alone everyone has failures.
You only fail when you don’t get up.
Embrace your imperfections and authentically be you.
More Blog Post’s you’ll Enjoy
Overcoming Perfectionism by Letting go of Procrastination
How to Move Beyond Shame and Guilt
Relatable Podcast Episodes you’ll Enjoy from: It Didn’t Break Me Podcast
Being Single and Alone Didn’t Break Me with Nausheen Farshita
Uncovering Your Internal Value with Tina Morales
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Video Blog: Overcoming the Belief “ I Am A Failure”
Here is a video to watch on the same topic of Overcoming the belief “I Am A failure”, just in case you prefer video or you are more of an audio learner