Finding the Root Cause of Perfectionism

You know you’re working too hard. You know you’re overthinking everything. But you can’t seem to stop.

By the time most of my high-achieving therapy clients find me, they’re exhausted from the cycle of overworking, overthinking, constantly anxious that they’re not doing enough or good enough. They’re business owners, leaders at work, parents, caregivers, juggling a thousand demands and still feeling like they’re falling short.

And here’s the thing that keeps them stuck: they’re terrified to let go. Because somewhere deep down, they believe  their worth is tied to their performance. If they stop producing, stop achieving, stop being “on,” who are they? What happens then? The other stuckness  that is not always mention… perfectionism is a response to trauma. 

If you’ve read this far and thought “yes, this is me” and maybe even “what’s wrong with me?” I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you. Perfectionism is deep rooted, and it’s not all your fault. Part of  healing perfectionism includes ,shifting from self-blame to curiosity about where perfectionism started for you

The Real Root of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is rooted in the fear of rejection and failure. And that fear? It comes from shame based experiences, whether from parenting, caregiving, or the messages society sends us about our worth.

As humans, we’re wired to connect and belong. When our sense of self isn’t affirmed or validated, when the focus is on our performance rather than who we are as a person, something shifts inside us. We begin to associate performance with connection instead of connection based on being our authentic self.

Think about it: You brought home a B, and instead of celebration, you got “where’s the A?” That moment of shame, that feeling of not being good enough, it taught you something. It taught you that your efforts and who you are only valid and accepted when you perform to the standards of others. That as a human you can only truly experience connection and acceptance  when you live up to the expectations and standards of other people. Your innate and authentic self is just not good enough for connection.

So you started working harder. Staying later. Over-performing at work, in your relationships, as a parent or family member, with your friends. You became a people pleaser, chasing approval to avoid that deep pain of rejection, disconnection and shame you experienced early on.

But here’s where it gets tricky: when you’re performing for other people’s expectations, the goalpost is always moving. The American dream (that someone else defined), owning a home by 30, having the degree, making a certain amount of money the marriage, the kids, the dog. These are external markers that were set before you ever had a chance to ask what YOU actually want.

This is why perfectionism feels so impossible to shake. It’s not just a habit. It’s a belief system: “I have to perform for my worth. My value comes from what I achieve.”
And our beliefs determine what we think and how we make decisions.

Therefore, when your identity is rooted in performance, when you’re trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations instead of connecting to your authentic self, that’s when you get trapped in the cycle of never feeling good enough.

Why This Changes Everything

Once you see that perfectionism is a belief system and not a character flaw, you can actually do something about it. You can examine those beliefs, challenge them, and uproot the ones that aren’t serving you.

This is why I focus on helping high achievers overcome perfectionism by reconnecting to their authentic self. When you align with what’s true for you, how you’re actually wired and created versus what everyone else is telling you to do, that’s where you find peace. That’s where the anxiety about not being enough starts to quiet down.

You stop chasing moving goalposts and start living from a place that actually feels like home.

Take the Next Step: Examine Your Belief System

Your perfectionism developed over years, but healing doesn’t have to take that long. I’ve created a guide to help you identify your specific root causes and begin challenging the beliefs that keep you stuck.

Start your healing with the e-book: You’re Enough: Letting Go of the Pressure to be Perfect

In this guide, you’ll discover the deeper patterns specific to your situation, learn practical exercises to challenge old beliefs, and create lasting change in how you see yourself and your worth.

You deserve to live without the constant weight of perfectionism. This guide gives you the tools to begin: You're Enough: Letting Go of the Pressure to be Perfect

About the Author

Bianca is passionate about helping people become all they are created to be by peeling back layers of shame, fear, and hurt to discover the treasure within. As a Licensed Professional Counselor in Georgia with a Master of Arts in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University, she provides soul-aligning therapy that helps clients connect with their most authentic selves through an intuitive, spirit-guided approach. She creates a safe, respectful space where clients can explore what matters most to them, and for those seeking spiritually-integrated or faith-based counseling, she is trained to weave spiritual practices and Christian beliefs into therapy sessions. Additionally trained in EMDR, Bianca is committed to helping clients live aligned with who they truly are and accept themselves despite their imperfections.